


Unseeing Rainbow Eyes

by agirlsname



Series: The Secret Blog of Dr. John H. Watson [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e03 The Reichenbach Fall, Epistolary, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-19 03:28:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14228169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agirlsname/pseuds/agirlsname
Summary: After less than four months, Sherlock falls.





	1. 12th June 2011: Blog Draft

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [【授翻】空洞虹瞳/Unseeing Rainbow Eyes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14559969) by [BakerSt233B](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BakerSt233B/pseuds/BakerSt233B)



> This is part 2 of The Secret Blog series - it will make the most sense if you read Undersea-Rainbows first! And I'm sorry about this, guys. Part 3 should be finished soon, and I promise it'll end happily.
> 
> Thank you [thinkhappythoughts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thinkhappythoughts), who read this through without being warned of how angsty it was. And thank you Akhenaten's Mummy for the beta! Any remaining errors are either my fault or - most likely, in this case - my full intention.

“Hello?”

“John.”

“S, you okay?”

“Stop there and walk back the way you came.”

“No, I'm going in.”

“Just do as I ask. Please”

At least I think he said please

“Stop there”

“Why?”

“Look up, I'm on the rooftop.”

Oh God.

This was a bad idea

 

No, I need to, cause if I     forget

“I can't come down. We'll have to do it like this. I need to apologise. It's all true.” His voice broke.

No, it was when he said “I'm a fake.” That's when he cried. when did he say that then

I said, “Why are you saying this?” He said, “I'm a fake.” I think.

“Everything they said in the newspapers is true. I created Moriarty. I want you to tell Lestrade, Mrs Hudson, Molly, anyone who will listen to you. That I invented Moriarty. For my own gain.”

Told him to shut up. “The first time we met, you knew all about my sister.”

“Nobody could be that clever.”

“You could”

A gush of air. Laugh? Sob? He cried. Sniffing and panting and _breathing_

That's not helping. That's not why I'm doing this, get a grip. No, what he said was:

“I researched you. The first time we met I already knew” No,

“before we met I researched you to impress you.”

“discovered what I could to impress you.”

“It's just a magic trick”

“No. I know you, Sherlock, I _know_ you, I-”

I should have told him.

 

I tried to make him stop it. He panicked. “Stay where you are, don't move, keep your eyes fixed on me”

He stretched out his hand like he could hold me in place. He knew I would do whatever he said. He knew. “Keep your eyes fixed on me.” Did he even say that? What kind of a

He was getting frantic. At the edge of a roof. I did the only thing to do. I backed, held up my hand, told him it was all right. Whatever you say, anything, just don't, don't.

He was panting. Was he scared? god,w ha

“Please, will you do this for me? This phone call, it's my note. Thats what poeple do, don't they? Leave anote”

I refused to understand. So I didn't get a chance to – Whatever I would have done. Told him, I would have told him

 

“Goodbye, John.”

“No, don't  ”

is what I said.

 

He threw his phone to the ground before I screamed his name. He looked like he'd fly with his arms spread. Swayed backwards, then forwards. Beautiful black bird at a roof, at our

This could be a nightmare, the way he. He fell for hours. The world went completely mute when he landed. I couldn't get my body to comply when I needed to get to him. Except that in nightmares it never occurs to me that's what's going on, soit mustbe real.

Every step would pound on my head. Tilted world. Nausea. Everything was sharp and bright, ringing and screeching in my ears from when I hit my head. I don't remember when or how I fell, doesn't matter. His name would repeat itself in my ears, maybe on my tongue. Sherlock. Oh, Christ. SherlockSherlocksherlockshrelocKShelock

 

I'm a doctor, let me through, Im a doctor, let me through letme through please

My captain voice wouldn't sound, they wouldn't listen.

“I'm his boyfriend, I'm his boyfriend, I'm his boyfriend, please, he's my

He's my boyfriend.

His wrist,

I felt it. It can't be real, but I felt it, I saw, I. Stick to the facts, Watson. One cannot reason without facts. Fact: Hehad no pulse.

His hand slammed into the ground and they pulled at me, wouldn't let me check, examine him, – I begged but nobody heard. Maybe it was just in my head. My legs gave out in the arms of strangers.

Someone turned him. His hair. Wet. with blood. His skin, white, translucent, and blood and, and curls on his forehead. The pale sky reflected in his

undersea-rainbow eyes. unseeing rainbow eyes.

He was gone so fast. Felt like they were running, but I can't be sure, my head was hurting and I couldn't sit straight. Someone held me and then I was standing and everyone was gone. I was alone. It was only me, alone.

Breathing. Dead air crushing my lungs. Empty street. Blood at my feet.

 

There. Don't need to be afraid to forget now. but i feel even mor ealone now


	2. 2011-2013: Texts

**13 th June 2011**

sent    03:07  
Are you there?

sent    04:36  
Sherlock

 

**16 th June 2011**

sent    20:04  
I miss you.

 

**23 rd June 2011**

sent    13:29  
What am I supposed to do with your dust  
collection?

sent    13:30  
You screamed at me about its scientific  
value.

sent    13:34  
Why the hell did you leave it like that? If you  
were about to

 

**28 th June 2011**

sent    18:35  
Not sure you would have liked that funeral.  
Didn't have much time to plan it, Mycroft was  
being an arse. Sorry, I did what I could.

sent    18:42  
People say funerals give closure. People are  
idiots.

 

**30 th June 2011**

sent    03:55  
How dare you leave me?

sent    03:56  
You didn't even

 

**2 nd July 2011**

sent    23:40  
Your scarf has stopped smelling of you.

 

**5 th July 2011**

sent    15:34  
You wouldn't let me in. The more scared you  
got, the more you shut me out. Still you  
wanted me there to witness the very end.

sent    15:36  
I never knew you to be cruel, Sherlock. Rude,  
but never cruel.

 

**12 th July 2011**

sent    08:04  
How could you make me watch? Did you not  
realise what it would…? No, because the  
great Sherlock Holmes didn't manage the  
most important deduction, that he's the love  
of John Watson's life.

 

**14 th July 2011**

sent    00:40  
Why did you jump? What wasn't enough for  
you? Why didn't you bloody say something? I  
hate you I fucking hate you

 

**5 th August 2011**

sent    02:36  
Sherlock, are you there? Was this some sort  
of plan? You need to tell me. Please, I can't  
live like this.

sent    05:01  
Say something.

sent    06:04  
Say SOMETHING

 

**23 rd August 2011**

sent    22:21  
You didn't even give me enough time to tell  
you I love you.

 

**23 rd September 2011**

sent    06:17  
Did you forget about valentines day, or did  
you just not care? Cause I refuse to think you  
chose the roof of fucking barts just to  
torment me.

sent    06:46  
I take that back. You made me watch. You  
chose to torment me.

 

**16 th October 2011**

sent    22:03  
I should have observed the signs. I saw  
them. But I didn't observe.

sent    22:03  
How you didn't eat. How you didn't sleep.  
How you struggled with your addiction,  
probably harder than you let on.

sent    22:04  
I told myself you were doing better. That it  
wasn't depression, it wasn't self-harm, it was  
just the way you were.

sent    22:04  
But I'm a doctor. I should have known better.

sent    22:04  
I'm your boyfriend. I should have fucking  
known better.

sent    22:05  
I wonder if you wanted me to see. Or if you  
really did hope I wouldn't get it. Did I fail you,  
Sherlock?

sent    22:06  
I would have done anything to help you.

 

**22 nd November 2011**

sent    19:45  
Thought I saw you today. On Camden High  
St.

sent    20:39  
Was that you?

sent    22:51  
No, I know you're dead. Fuck. Sorry to disturb

 

**25 th December 2011**

sent    12:13  
This would have been our first Christmas  
together. As a couple. If we'd still been a  
couple.

sent    12:13  
Wonder if you'd have hated it as much as last  
year. The Christmas, I mean

sent    12:14  
Or being a couple, for that matter. Wonder if  
you'd have been bored by now.

sent    12:15  
I would've done everything I could to give you  
a Christmas you would enjoy. Except  
murdering someone. Okay, maybe not  
everything.

sent    12:17  
But I think I could have at least done  
something.

 

**1 st January 2012**

sent    01:48  
I don't just miss you. I long for you.

sent    03:13  
So much

 

**29 th January 2012**

sent    10:01  
It's been two years since we met. And one  
year since I realised you might be in love with  
me. Seven months since you died. Dunno  
why I tell you this, why it matters. It's not like  
you'd care anyway, wherever you are.

sent    10:03  
I just don't know how it's seven months  
already. I don't remember the time passing,  
but at the same time, I feel like I've been  
beaten up by every single second.

sent    10:06  
It's such a long time. You've been dead for  
longer than we were together. How crazy is  
that? We were together for less than four  
months.

sent    10:06  
It looks tiny when I type it. Four months,  
that's nothing. We never even used the word  
“love” for it, not out loud.

sent    10:10  
Why can't I forget four months of my life?

sent    23:52  
It's because I love you Sherlock please come  
bac

 

**14 th February 2012**

sent    19:02  
I saw Valentine's as kind of our first date. You  
know, the picnic on Bart's roof. You let me  
treat you with wine and pastries shaped like  
hearts, remember? And you were so  
beautiful.

sent    19:07  
I will never understand why you chose that  
spot. If you'd forgotten, if you didn't care, or if  
you were trying to tell me something horrible.  
I don't know which would be worst.

 

**17 th February 2012**

sent    21:43  
I can still feel your soft, cold lips and the way  
your skin smelled like melting snow.

sent    21:56  
Help me, sherlck. Im breaking

 

**16 th March 2012**

sent    22:15  
I'm sorry I didn't hold you, that day. Before  
you jumped. And after.

sent    22:16  
I know you were gone. But I should have held  
you in my arms one last time. Instead I sat  
on the ground like an idiot and let them take  
you away forever.

sent    22:16  
I'm sorry.

 

**20 th April 2012**

sent    11:36  
You taught me to be more reckless. Well I've  
always been reckless, but you taught me to  
be more… playful, I guess. You showed me  
how you can say fuck it to every convention  
and just do it your way, and it always worked.  
Life was somehow… so much bigger, freer,  
with you. I miss that.

sent    11:36  
I can't do it when you're not here. Life is small  
again. Narrow.

sent    11:37  
I mean, I could never be like you. I wouldn't  
even want to. But it was beautiful, just to  
stand beside you and watch. It was beautiful  
to get to live it with you.

 

**22 nd May 2012**

sent    20:42  
I cleaned out some of your stuff today.  
Thought that's what I was supposed to do.

sent    20:42  
The only thing I could bring myself to throw  
out in the end were the body parts you left in  
the freezer.

sent    20:43  
I still feel horrible for doing it. I'm sorry,  
Sherlock.

 

**12 th June 2012**

sent    21:00  
You're not coming back, are you.

sent    21:00  
You have to.

 

**1 st July 2012**

sent    15:17  
People have suddenly started telling me to  
move on. I guess that would mean stop  
texting you. Apparently I should be done  
grieving by now. Like one year is some kind  
of magic mark.

sent    15:18  
Thing is, it's YOU.

 

**21 st September 2012**

sent    19:06  
I still can't stop thinking how you must have  
felt so alone. So… exposed, by Moriarty, by  
the police, by the press. When you shouted at  
me that he was trying to turn me against you,  
you were really scared, you didn't even hide it.

sent    19:07  
And I just, I hope you know that I meant it. I  
know, one hundred percent. No one could  
fake being such an annoying dick all the  
time. And no one can fake being such a  
brilliant mind in every hour of daylight and  
every minute of bedroom dark.

sent    19:08  
You stood on the roof of our first proper date  
and told me you had fooled me, you cried  
and you jumped. My heart is breaking for  
how desperately lonely you must have  
believed yourself to be. I'll never understand  
what happened that day. But I really hope you  
knew that I believed in you, and I forever will.  
If you had just… let me. Then you wouldn't  
have had to be alone.

sent    19:08  
And even if you didn't want me, in the end… I  
really hope it would have been enough, if you  
had let it.

 

**2 nd October 2012**

sent    18:35  
I just got the news: Thompson is dead.

sent    18:37  
I haven't seen her since you and I took care  
of her during that week when we got  
together. Wasn't expecting to ever see her  
again. So it shouldn't really matter.

sent    18:37  
It's just a dog. Although you'd be horrified if I  
said that about her.

sent    18:39  
Anyway, it was like a punch to the gut. It's  
another link to you disappearing.

 

**3 rd November 2012**

sent    20:26  
I ran into Henry Knight today. He was doing  
great. Asked me to have coffee with him and  
catch up, but I don't do that. He babbled long  
enough on the pavement, though. That man  
has certainly changed.

sent    20:26  
I try to remember you with happiness, but I  
don't know, the idea of having coffee with  
Henry Knight and talking about you… He  
adores you, but I LOVE you.

sent    20:30  
The hound case was such a roller-coaster,  
like life with you was. You yelled at me and  
said I wasn't your boyfriend, and the next day  
you took it back and called me your  
conductor of light. You talked Henry out of  
killing himself, and forced him to look at the  
dog to help him overcome his fear, such a  
human thing to do. And in the next breath  
you laughed and thanked him for how  
brilliant the case had been, like you had no  
regard for his trauma.

sent    20:32  
You saved his life, you know. He has a  
boyfriend and a new job, and he told me he  
hasn't had a nightmare in eleven months. He  
thinks you wouldn't care about that, but I  
know you would. At least in secret.

sent    20:36  
I think about how easily you deduced that  
computer password, about how you looked  
at me when I used my captain voice inside  
Baskerville, about how handsome you were  
in the night of the forest. I try to be thankful  
for what I had.

sent    20:38  
But I can't remember with happiness. It just  
makes me so sad I can't breathe.

sent    20:53  
I'd have kept you forever if I could.

 

**25 th December 2012**

sent    14:50  
Isn't it utterly ridiculous how I associate  
Christmas with you, even though we've barely  
celebrated it together? Just think how many  
Christmases I've had without you, and only  
one with you, and you were sulking all the  
way through it.

sent    14:50  
I suppose it's this whole spend it with your  
loved ones crap. That makes me miss you  
like there's a hole in my stomach.

 

**29 th January 2013**

sent    08:12  
Three years since we met.

sent    19:01  
I'm still waiting for you. How about that.

sent    19:10  
Wonder if you're waiting for me too.

sent    19:12  
I hope you do. But I love you even if you don't  
love me back.

sent    23:52  
Goodnight.

 

**12 th June 2013**

sent    15:12  
You stupid, fucking idiot. I love you. Goodbye,  
Sherlock.


	3. 31st May 2014: Blog Draft

No, she isn't Sherlock. But I can't be alone any more.


End file.
